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Part 3: My deep journey of surrender into life’s perfection

Choose love. When we drop into our hearts and open to the tender flow of unconditional love, we become free, we become whole, we become one with all things. When we choose love, we step into our true nature and surrender onto a path of expansive, non-attached interconnectedness; our soul’s true home.

True love is free love. It’s not the clinging, grasping, self-absorbed love that stems from the ego-driven mind fed by our fears and insecurities. It is the non-attached love that flows freely from the heart, bubbling up from an eternal wellspring of unconditional patience, compassion, forgiveness and gentle kindness. When we drop into this wellspring of loving awareness we realise that at the very core of our nature we are one, we are the same; millions of tiny drops of water from the ever expansive ocean of Eternal Life.

Above all, choose love for self. When we choose to give love to our own heart first, we unlock a wholeness that is ever flowing, spacious and free. When we surrender onto a path of love; love for self, love for others and love for Planet Earth, we bathe in an ever expansive pool of beauty, wisdom and freedom, and discover what it truly means to step into life’s blissful perfection; to become WHOLE.

It’s time. It’s time to let go and start your own journey of surrender onto the path of Love. A journey that will change your life, forever.

 

The journey from the head to the heart

The journey from the head to the heart is not an easy one, but it will lead you to a place that you will want to call home for the rest of your life. When you choose love, you are guided tenderly and graciously into the treasures and magic of your own heart; a Divine reflection of life’s perfection.

More and more of my clients are coming to me wanting to take this journey, the courageous bold journey that pulls them out of their constantly busy,  questioning, doubting, self-analysing, fearful minds and into the comforting, ever flowing, loving recesses of the heart. I have noticed on an individual and collective level that there is a potent human longing to heal a loneliness, an emptiness, a separateness, an imprisoned disconnection with self and others. Carl Jung describes this as our collective unconscious. Our current planetary climate is birthing a new consciousness, super charged by a collective human longing to shed this sense of disconnection that keeps us feeling separate and lonely. There is a collective shift sweeping through our human psyche to move towards a deeper connection with all things so that we may experience the wholeness and freedom, our soul so desperately yearns for. We no longer want to suffer the perils of emptiness and unmet longing. The human spirit is wanting to return to wholeness and freedom; its true home. So many souls are reaching out, longing to find this sense of True Wholeness in this lifetime, to be Wild and Free, and shed the loneliness of oppressed separation.

I too have felt this.

I too have been drawn to exploring the deeper aspects of my own feelings of ‘non-wholeness’ and what it truly means to be truly happy, healthy and fulfilled. You can read about this in Part 2 of my Surrender Series. In Part 2 I talk about the very challenging and soul searching phase of my healing journey where I struggled with my own feelings of ‘not being enough’, my unhealthy attachment to perfectionism, my niggling feeling of ‘not feeling whole’ and my deep soul piercing fear that something was seriously wrong with me.

Part 3 of the surrender series takes this journey even deeper, bravely unearthing the deeper pockets of our inner hearts wisdom and decoding the scriptures of our own vulnerable truths. When we dare to ask the questions that plague our subconscious psyche and go to those places that have been buried and suppressed deep within us because of fear, protection and shame, and learn how to let these charged energies go, we get to discern the wisdom that lies behind them. We get to experience True Freedom and Truth in its most purest form.

Within this blog (which has excerpts from chapters in my upcoming book!) I share with you my very personal and life changing experience that broke my heart wide open and lifted the veils of what it truly means to be healthy, happy and WHOLE.

 

Love, perfection and wholeness is an internal job

When we can let go of the mind’s idea that perfection, love and wholeness is something we attain from outside of us and begin to recognise that it is in fact waiting eagerly to be unearthed from deep within us, this is the path to true happiness.

For so long I searched for love, perfection, wholeness and acceptance from sources external to me, constantly hoping and wishing that my experiences, my projects, my work, my health regimes and the people I loved and cared about so deeply would give me all that I needed and yearned for. That my bucket would be adequately filled by things outside of myself and that I would eventually become whole and complete by drawing on these external sources (sometimes with great urgency and desperation). Oh my! I was so way off-the-mark with this one, and like so many lessons in my life, being a slow learner I had to learn this one the hard way.

It wasn’t until I reached rock bottom and a point of desperation in my life that I realised I was barking up the wrong tree, and the tree I was barking up, had fear, disappointment and heartache written all over it. I was on a one-way street to constant non-fulfillment, and the seams of my ‘externally-focused’ life had started to fray at the edges, big time. I was ready to burst, and eventually I did.  Having my breakdown-breakthrough moment (which actually became a string of breakdown-breakthrough moments over several years) literally forced me to find a different way to live, and a different way to love. I had to put myself back together in a way that was wholesome, resilient and sustainable, and learn how to compassionately and lovingly heal the frayed edges of my life, so that I could live in a more healthy and self-fulfilled way.

 

The constant desire for more

In a culture of instant gratification and self-advancement, we often find ourselves constantly searching for more. More wealth, more health, more things, more fun, more thrills, more pleasure, more sex, more fulfillment, more perfection, and more love (and it’s often the Hollywood fairy tale type of love that our mind yearns for, not the real, pure, unconditional love that flows freely from the heart).

We grip, cling, grasp and hang onto dear life all the things we think are going to bring us greater joy and happiness, chasing down and searching for that elusive Holy Grail in an attempt to attain more of the things we want and think we need in life. And when we achieve the desired outcome, get to where our mind wants us to go, eventually obtain the ‘thing’ that we have been longing for, it’s never quite enough. Our mind is already searching for the next thing, the next hit, the next joy ride. It becomes a never ending stream of addictive unmet longing and a sure fire path to constant frustration and non-fulfillment.

But, what if all this longing is not so bad in the bigger picture of things? What if all this constant yearning for more is just a desperate call from within; a message from deep inside of us that is just being misinterpreted as it gets filtered through the self-absorbed ego mind?  What if this constant longing for more is in fact the voice of something more wise and benevolent, but is being filtered through the blurry lens of the small ego lead mind, rather than magnified by the truth of the heart?

 

What if all this searching, longing, and yearning for something more is just our heart trying to tell us to take a different path, the path of true wholeness, the path of True Love, but we’re getting it all wrong because we’re stuck in our minds?

 

What if the mind stepped out of the way for a moment and let the intelligence of the heart give a more accurate reading to illuminate the truth and heartfelt depths of what this sacred longing is all about? What then?

Fortunately for me, I was blessed with an opportunity to crack this code, to crack the shell that encapsulated my ego and beam a burning torch light into the tender depths of my heart’s consciousness and view my own inner non-fulfilment through the magnified lens of my heart’s wisdom . It did not come easy, and it was not pretty, and there was a bit more fraying of my edges that had to happen before realising the deeper, true meaning of what my own unmet longing was trying to tell me. But with constant, committed and faithful steps towards surrender and letting go, it did eventually come, and oh my, my life has not been the same since! 

Looking back, I feel only gratitude and awe at the experiences I had, and continue to have since my deep journey of surrender began. This blog shares the story of how my journey from head to heart all started, and the incredible epiphany I experienced when I finally let go and dropped into the deep recesses of my own heart.

 

Stuck, unfulfilled and exhausted…I was ready to chuck in the towel

After two solid years dedicated to healing my mind and body, I had come along way. I had recovered from a myriad of unpleasant symptoms that had plagued me for most of my young adult life, and I was feeling the healthiest I had felt in a very long time. I was thoroughly enjoying this blissful re-connection to my inner vitality and wellness but somewhere into my healing journey, things started to unravel. I started to become stuck, stagnant, and a deep unfounded yearning of feeling ‘not-whole’ crept its way into the cracks of my self-awareness. You can read more about this in my previous blog, but for now, lets jump to the part where my ego mind had to be blasted away, to make way for a new consciousness to emerge and truly get to the bottom of my seemingly failing health and happiness.

Don’t get me wrong. Having healed from a whole host of unpleasant symptoms and illnesses, I had reached a beautiful time in my life and there was a lot of things going right for me. But I just couldn’t ignore something eating away at my internal life, that was taking away the shine. It was an uneasy feeling. A feeling that something was not quite right. It was a feeling that was confusing to me. From my conceptual mind it did not make sense because for the first time in my life, I had finally accessed a deep inner joy that was burning solidly at the very core of my being. I had made intimate contact with this joy, I had touched it, and connected with it at a very deep level, but I was steadily losing my grasp on it.

 

Something in my internal world, buried in the deep subconscious levels of my mind was trying to make itself known to me. There was some burning inner voice within me that was trying to tell me, ‘something is missing’, but I wasn’t quite able to hear what the whole truth of the message was.

 

It was like it was so deeply buried in my subconscious that it was muffled, secretly encoded, unable to be cracked by my mind’s limited perception. I was frustrated, and I was confused.

Every time this feeling popped up into my awareness, I felt like I was failing. I felt like I was losing my health battle, slipping down the slippery slope of sickness again, losing my mojo and becoming that ‘sick person’ I had tried ever so hard to step away from.

I was spiraling into victim hood and was madly trying to resist this as much as I could muster. I tried to convince myself that perhaps this was normal, part of every person’s healing journey, a bump in the road, a blip in the system that would go away if I ignored it long enough. I started to tighten the reins on my health regime and gripped even tighter to my health and fitness formula. But nothing was working. The harder I tried, the more exhausted I felt and I just couldn’t shake this feeling of ‘I don’t feel fulfilled’ and ‘something is not quite right’. The void inside kept gnawing away at me.

Disappointed and frustrated, I started to lose faith. I felt like my dreams and visions of making a difference in the world were coming to an end. I felt like true health and happiness was just a fantasy I had conjured up in my own head. I was ready to give up on it all and throw in the towel. That old favourite soul zapping question  came to haunt me once again, ‘What is wrong with me?’ 

And it was this question that opened the door to my own heart’s wisdom, and guided me to the most mind blowing, ego blasting realisation that shook up my entire core, transporting me onto a whole new path of learning, living and loving.

Even though it felt like my journey to true health, wellness and fulfilling my dreams was coming to an end, it was only just beginning.

 

It is always just the beginning

A couple of months into this steady battle with my mind’s doubt and lack of faith I was getting ready to give up on it all; to call off the wild goose chase, so to speak. But in that moment of ‘giving up’ something very profound made its way into my life. A little gift from the Angels above, a gracious blessing from the Universe.

I was talking to a wise, much older and very dear friend of mine about my angst. I talked about my frustrations of constantly feeling like pushing boulders up hills with my business, my work and my personal life; trying to do it all on my own and juggle my responsibilities with ease and grace. Of the emptiness I felt, even after all this healing and hard work. My failing health and exhaustion. I was ready to chuck it all in. I was ready to stop dreaming of the fantasy of living a life of vibrant health, with purpose, with meaning and deep inner fulfillment, because it all seemed too bloody hard. And, after all my winging self-pity victim party, this darling friend of mine calmly got off her seat, went to her bookshelf and handed me a book called Letting Go: The pathway to surrender by Dr David Hawkins. She leaned over with a twinkle in her eye and said “I think you need to read this Jess”.

I spent the next two months reading and rereading Dr David Hawkins book again and again. I couldn’t put it down. I kept going back over every chapter, writing down notes and doing the suggested practices. Each time a new layer of wisdom and freedom would enter into my mind’s awareness. Something incredible started to shift inside of me. New realisations and insights started to creep into my consciousness and then suddenly, the avalanche started. The deeper I went with the letting go practice, the more emotions and stuck energies that I did not even realise were buried deep inside me, started to bubble up to the surface with a fierceness and an urgency that I simply could not ignore.

 

Feelings of anger, hurt, grief guilt and shame, bubbling up into my awareness, bursting forth and breaking my heart wide open, desperately seeking to be set free and to be let go.

 

Incredible amounts of grief rose up that I could only describe as a wellspring of sadness, heart break and loss releasing itself as an endless waterfall of tears that just would not stop. I became a blubbering angry mess of tears and tantrums for what seemed like weeks of letting go and releasing, kissing each and every bubble of emotion that arose with a gesture of love and compassion and nurturing each and every salty tear that was shed.

I would often go for a walk in the bush, and just sit under a tree. I would sit on the earth, releasing my pent up emotions and allowing the trees and the bushland around me to take away my pain.

One day, I was sitting high up on the mountain reserve, not far from my house. It had been an emotional few months, and I was tired. I was tired of feeling so deeply. I was tired of everything I had been through. I was struggling. I started to have a pity party for myself and wallow in my own victim hood. The ‘why me’ questions started to come. The ‘poor me’ and ‘here we go again’ self talk bubbled up from the gremlins below.

I started to do Dr David Hawkin’s ‘letting go’ technique to release the build up that was brewing inside me. The tears started to fall and that damn question poked itself above the surface again, right into my conscious awareness, this time with a surging desperation and urgency that came screaming out from my throat to the trees and heavens above, “What is wrong with me!!!”

Suddenly, a few birds flew out from the trees above me, and then silence. My body started to settle. My mind cleared. The tears eventually stopped. My throat burned with fury from the sound that had emerged just minutes before, but I felt a huge sense of release. And then, the most unexpected thing happened. An answer came, not from outside of myself, but from within, almost like a wise advisor entering into my consciousness. ‘Darling’, it said, in the most gentle benevolent tone , ‘there is nothing wrong with you. Everything is so right. Everything is perfect. All is perfect. Just keep going’.

I couldn’t believe it! Something or someone had answered me. And yet, it felt like it came from within. As I absorbed the words of this wise voice that seemed to appear from the ether, the emotional charge in my body started to dissipate and lighten.  The clouds in my mind started to lift. The deep, dark heaviness and exhaustion in my body started to finally shift. I was left sitting in the lightness and beauty of freedom, peace and inner contentment, sitting below the trees on the hilltop overlooking the bush land below. I was empty and yet I was full. I was nothingness, and yet I was everything. I was deep spaciousness, and yet I was connected to all things. I was light, and yet I was grounded.

 

When we let go…we make room for wisdom of the Higher Self to enter our field of knowing

The letting go process made room for a new consciousness to enter my being, a new awareness. Suddenly, everything started to make more sense. A new clarity beamed into my awareness. That day on the hill top in the bush reserve I came to a deep and inner realisation that I had to change the way I approached my life, my work, my dreams, my loving relationships, my visions and my healing. I had let go of the pushing uphill battle I had created for myself. I had to let go of the grasping and the clinging of how I thought life should look, and how I thought I should be, act and behave. I realised I had to let go of holding on, of burying my fears, my doubts, my vulnerabilities, my ‘not enoughness’. And most of all I had to make a deep intimate contact with the most tender part of me –  my soft vulnerable heart.

In that serene, clear, moment, as I sat there in the heart of the bush, deeply held by Mother Earth and protected by the trees, this higher sense of knowingness enveloped me, engulfed me and I felt like I was hovering peacefully in this beautiful place of stillness and timeless beauty. I didn’t want to leave this place of knowing, I didn’t want to walk back into the illusion of my mind’s life. I wanted to stay in the depths of my heart, rocked in the arms of Gaia, cradled in the very arms of Love itself. It was an extraordinary experience, and one I will never forget.

In the whole 2 years of intensive healing, meditating and mind-body work I had just been through I had never experienced this level of clarity, peace and lightness before. It was like the letting go of all that stagnant, dense, heavy emotional energy I was hanging onto made room for something more. Perhaps this something more was what I had been longing for, all along.

I felt like my heart had been blown wide open and I was able to literally touch, and make intimate tender contact with what I could only describe as Pure Love. At the very deep inner core of my heart was a jewel, beaming into me, beaming out from me, sending a kaleidoscope of vibrancy and colour and light from every cell in my body.

It was an experience beyond the mind’s understanding. It was like a spark of pure light and love downloading into the very fibres of my being. I couldn’t describe it. I can’t even find the right language for it now and I often wonder, ‘was this experience a little spark of enlightenment, a sacred communion with the Universe, a gentle caress from the heavens above, a hint of Divine Light coming into my conscious awareness?’

I don’t know whether a spark of enlightenment made itself known to me that day, or whether it was just my heart breaking open and emptying its contents into my consciousness, but what I do know for sure, is that I did experience the gift of pure unconditional Love for Self for the very first time in my life. A deep inner sense of Self-love in its most purest forms.

And in these deep moments of inner realisation, something started to emerge. Something started to bubble up to the surface. Suddenly I started to see, to have clarity, to understand the whole purpose of my life, the whole purpose of life itself.

 

I realised that to enter the gates of freedom and serenity, we must step out of the clinging and grasping of our illusionary life, and surrender into the tender depths of our hearts. To choose love. To become love. To be held by Love.

 

To truly experience happiness and fulfilment we must come out of our striving clinging mind and drop into the wisdom and openness of our own heart. To dive in head first exposing all our vulnerability and rawness to reveal the beauty and love that resides there  – and to essentially become that love.

I will carry this gift, this jewel of light, this divine knowing for the rest of my life. This precious gift of pure light and love which unlocked a beauty, a freedom, an eternal knowing within me that has changed the way I look at life, and changed the way I approach life.

 

My journey to self-acceptance, self-love and being comfortable in my own skin is an ongoing one. It is not something that comes naturally or automatic or something that I can just turn on. It’s a continuous work in progress.

 

But, on that magical day in the Australian bush near my home, held by Mother Earth I got to sense what it feels like to be cradled in the arms of Pure Love, and witnessed by the Divine. And I try to tap into this whenever I can, reminding myself that I AM LIGHT and I AM LOVE. Especially when my inner critique, my inner negative self talk raises its ugly head and tries to pull me down and feed my self-doubt, my fears and my unworthiness.

Instead of grasping onto what I think is the right way to live, or the right way to be, or the right way to heal, instead of trying to do it all on my own and constantly living in frustration, and victim mode and ‘why me’, I now drop into this tender place within my heart, and allow this spark of Divine light and sacred knowing envelope my entire being, and I hear the words, “Darling, everything is so right. Everything is perfect. All is perfect. Just keep going”, and I surrender into the richness of this love and open to the magic that follows.

Many more wonderful and mystical things happened to me in the weeks and months that followed after that deep and tender moment of complete letting go among the trees that day (and continue to do so!). Incredible books, people, healers, practitioners, self transformation, personal development and out-of-this-world life changing opportunities have literally ‘popped up’ in my life in the most magical of ways. I have experienced the most profound synchronistic unfoldings, healings and connections that I can only describe as magical and mystical and connected to a higher plane of Divinity. I will be sharing all of these incredible experiences with you in my upcoming book, and a few throughout my blogs in the next few months ahead, but let me just say, life becomes a magical adventure when we let go, surrender onto a path of love and let the Divine take the lead.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not all smooth sailing, and my life has taken a particularly bumpy and messy ride these past 6 months, as some extreme challenges of life have emerged to test my faith, to build my resilience and to ultimately challenge my trust in this whole process. But, instead of falling apart, like I have done so many times in the past when life has not gone as planned, I am now learning to lean in, to ride the wave of adversity, discern the wisdom and truths that reside here and view my vulnerability and weaknesses as my threshold to a greater awakening and spiritual strengthening. I am learning that there is always something really beautiful in the mess, and that (in the beautiful words of Leonard Cohen) “there is a crack, a crack  in everything, that’s how the light gets in”.

In my next blog I will introduce you to my 5 Step Pathway to Surrendering into Life’s Perfection, so that you may have the tips and tools to start bringing the art of surrender into your own life.

But before I finish up this blog today, I did want to share with you my simple and life-changing gem of wisdom that cracks the code of emptiness, loneliness and frustration, and frees us from that deep sense of non-fulfilment and exhaustion that so many of us struggle with.

And it is this,

 

Stop trying to control life, and let LIFE live through you. Drop into the deep recesses of your open heart, surrender into the love and magic that resides here and allow THIS to be the light that shows you the way forward’.

 

This realisation blew my whole approach to life completely out of the water. It made me realise that magic is within us, and around us, each and every day. We just need to learn how to let go and be shown how to tap into it (which I will teach you in my 5 Step Pathway to Surrendering into Life’s Perfection, in my next blog…can’t wait!).

Something changed deep inside me during those months of letting go and surrender. It has become the impetus for my beautiful newly inspired book, it has become the wisdom for how I now live my life and it stirs an endless flow of magic and mystic and wonder every new step of the way.

Letting go and surrender is an ongoing process in my life. It never stops. Letting be and letting go allows my heart to remain open, my mind to find peace and non-attachment, my body to heal more deeply and for me to find a clarity of Universal Knowingness that LIFE provides all that we wish for, or could hope for, and more.

I feel like I have been forever changed by this never ending beam of guiding light and love that bathes, renews, heals, empowers and opens me up to the riches of my beautiful perfectly imperfect life.

My wish is that you too realise the preciousness of life, the preciousness of who you are and open your heart to this never ending beam of light and love.

When we start to give love, be love and practise self love from an unconditional place of vulnerability and tenderness, life opens up beyond our wildest dreams.

When we surrender into the perfection of life we no longer have to live in fear of the unknown, we no longer have to search for wholeness, or try to fill an empty void or cling to the ever changing flow of life. Instead of obsessing about the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of what’s next, we can embrace life with a gentle curiosity and an open heart, genuinely excited of where this flow may lead us.

I can’t wait to share more of my secrets to letting go, and surrendering onto a path of love in Part 4 of my blog series. It will truly be worth the suspense. I promise!

 

With so much love

JESS SEPARATE IMG_4559

 

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