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Part 2: My deep journey of surrender into life’s perfection

When we can meet the world with an open and vulnerable heart, unafraid of its beauty and its blemishes, this is the truth of an untethered soul. When we can let go of the struggle to become someone different, to let go of an imagined happiness, this is the truth of an awakened heart  ~  Jess Leggatt

Welcome to part two of my deep journey of surrender into life’s perfection. Jump on the magic carpet ride, take my hand and journey with me. It’s time to soften into your heart, surrender into the love and leap into the wild unknown.

Perfection use to be a dirty word in my vocabulary. It use to cause a great deal of angst and heartache in my life, flipping my sympathetic nervous system into overdrive and triggering off a never ending cycle of stress, anxiety and turmoil in my body.

For the first 31 years of my life, perfection had become my Holy Grail. To reach for perfection, to strive for idealism, to make everything right, to push for the fairytale dream in all aspects of my life had become my quest, my gold standard, my evidence of a successful abundant life. And when perfection didn’t show up in the way I thought it should, my world would fall apart and come crumbling down, again, and again and again. And this happened a lot. Because there’s no such thing as perfection… and I am a bit of a slow learner.

I went through a fair amount of suffering before I awakened to the realisation that perfection is in fact just an elusive Holy Grail; it’s unattainable. And the more I clung tightly to this ideal version of a perfect life, the more I was doomed for constant disappointment, anxiety and heartache; because what I was searching for, didn’t even exist. I was like a dog chasing its own tail. No matter how hard I tried, I was never going to get to the prize.

 

Chasing the elusive Holy Grail

For the first three decades of my life, my small mind ruled the show and I was driven by my ego.  Because of this, I never felt like I was enough.  No matter how hard I tried to make things perfect in my mind, I couldn’t get it right. And oh my, I tried so damn hard  at times to make things ‘right’ that I would turn myself inside out and upside down, until I twisted myself into a pretzel…the end result wasn’t pretty. It was exhausting, tiring, stressful, and a sure-fire recipe for constant burnout.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t tick all the boxes. No matter how much I twisted myself inside out and upside down, I couldn’t please everyone. I couldn’t make the perfect grade, achieve the perfect result, nail the perfect job, bring in the perfect pay packet, achieve the perfect gold standard and strive for the perfect happiness I was so desperately longing for.  I became super frustrated and anxious about everything in life. I could never quite fix the problems I saw around me. 

I couldn’t fix my parents divorce, I couldn’t change the way people behaved, I couldn’t take away other people’s pain, I couldn’t save the breakdown of relationships I saw around me, I couldn’t take away the sickness and suffering and heartache I saw in the world, I couldn’t save the planet, I couldn’t even save myself. I was a fighting a losing battle that I was never ever meant to win. All my gripping and clinging and grasping to how I thought life should look, eventually wore me out. By the time I reached what I affectionately call my ‘Tipping Point’ in life (where it felt like a hundred curve balls were being hurled at me all at once), I was exhausted, burn out and ready to give up on it all. I had reached my threshold. Something had to change. Something had to give. I couldn’t go on like this anymore.

 

When we realise perfection is not real, that it’s just a figment of our small mind’s imagination, a fable, an ego driven non-existent outcome, we realise it has no truth, no value, and it loses its pull.

 

No matter how much we try to grip, grasp, or cling onto how we think things should look, how we think life should go, or how we think we should be, life unfolds in exactly the way it was meant to, far beyond the mind’s limited ideas and often way beyond anything we ever envisioned.

Life was never meant to be perfect. It took 31 years, a major breakdown and a life-limiting health crisis for me to truly get this. When I did finally wake up,  I started to realise how beautiful, how divine, how sublimely imperfect life truly is. When we learn to let go, when we learn to let LIFE live through us and surrender into its perfect imperfectness, this is the flow of the Divine. To embrace the light and the shade, the agony and the ecstasy, the storms and the rainbows, the ebb and the flow as if it has all been purposefully sketched out on this beautiful expansive Universal grand map is the key to being free and happy. To embrace each sparkling moment and each painful nuance as if it is perfectly unfolding in just the right way for the greater good of all things. When we start to trust this, life is never experienced in the same way again.

Zen founder Seng-Tsan teaches that we truly awaken when we are “without anxiety about non-perfection”. Imagine a world like that! – without anxiety about non-perfection.

Throughout our life we are taught and shown images and ideals about perfection through our culture, our society, our upbringing, our role models, the media, and the stories we read and see on television. Most of these are not real and are often very destructive. Spending our life trying to ‘look good’ and do what we think is acceptable instead of easing into the perfection and beauty of our True Life, eventually becomes our undoing.

Perfection is not some inflated superhuman existence, free from struggles and messy challenges. Perfection is when we can let go of the ideal, the complete flawless fairy tale and open to the riches of all that life has to offer.

When I started to live my life in this way I found the freedom to be fearlessly me. The messy, the vulnerable, the fierce, the wild, the passionate, the fragile, the loving, the mystical, the flawed and the tender. I found the freedom to truly be myself. I found freedom to live and bathe in the divine flow of life and allow whatever comes my way, to be seen as utterly perfect.

 

Pushing for perfection or surrendering into the unknown: you get to choose

For so long I pushed myself to get it right, to make perfect, to please others, to make everything acceptable and okay. But to who’s standards? And who’s really measuring anyway? I think we imprison ourselves with our own limiting beliefs and ideas about how life should look, about what others think, about how we see ourselves and about how the world sees us. But it’s all an illusion.  We create these prison bars around ourselves based on the very small and limited mind of our conditioned past. We virtually cage ourselves in based on these illusionary ideals. And at what cost?

Let me tell you a little story about how I got to a point in my journey where I had to choose between constantly pushing to ‘get it right’ and make it perfect, to eventually letting go of the limiting beliefs of my small mind and surrendering into the unknown; surrendering into life’s true perfection.

For so long, I didn’t even realise I had a choice. Pushing for the ideal and aligning myself with unrealistic expectations seemed the only way I knew how to be. Pushing for acceptance, pushing for constant self-betterment, pushing for perfection was my default. Little did I realise that this was all just an illusionary story I had made up based on my own constructed past and conditioned ways of being. Life eventually showed me that I did have a choice and there was a better way to live.

 

When we push and grasp, we lose the magic.

Just like a butterfly landing in our hand, if we cling and grasp at its shimmering colourful wings, they lose their magic. They lose their shine and the butterfly is unable to take flight. It’s the same about life.

 

I remember in the early days of my healing journey, when I started to feel better, life was cruising along pretty nicely. After two long years dedicated to my own recovery I was thoroughly basking in the relief and joy of my newfound vitality and wellness. I was singing along to the dance of my own sweet tune. Life was rosy. I had found my bliss.

I had become well enough to start working again, so I started back at the hospital practising part-time as a clinical occupational therapist. I was enjoying feeling better, earning money and working with the colleagues and patients I had dearly missed. But after some time, I started to feel restless again. Working within the confines of a hospital setting, and practising under the limited constructs of a mainstream medical model made me feel shackled. I was un-fulfilled. My soul was dying a slow death.  I was desperate to open my own private practise and start doing wellness my way. I was desperate to break free from conventional ways of doing things and be the therapist I had always wanted to be.

So after a long drawn out dance with self doubt and fear I eventually opened up my own integrative wellbeing service; within the expansive limitless space of a beautiful holistic wellbeing yoga studio in the eclectic and beautiful suburb of West End, Brisbane. Within this space I was able to provide an integrative multidimensional service to my clients using my whole-life, whole-person approach. Finally I was doing wellness my way and things started to roll on pretty nicely.

I became deeply impassioned, almost obsessed by my new healthcare approach. After some time I ended up launching my own health and wellness website, started formulating my own whole-life wellbeing programs and developed a unique integrative wellness model (The Whole Life Wellness Wheel) that was to be the foundation of my practice. I went on to co-found an online Integrative Health Leadership Networking hub (a project still in the making), and started building an online Whole-life Wellbeing e-course and Retreat Centre, all the while dreaming of the possibility of changing the world by changing the way health care is done.

I was laying the foundation of what I thought was going to be my whole new direction in life; my ticket to fulfilling my vision in leading others into a whole new way of health and wellbeing, and satisfying my thirst for making a difference in the world. I was living my dream, living on purpose and reaching for the stars, but something just didn’t feel right. Something seemed to be missing. I felt like I hadn’t yet hit the perfection jackpot I was yearning for. I wasn’t truly satisfied and I couldn’t figure out why.

 

Even after all this incredible healing, research, creation, discovery, blogging, service development, and inspired action I had accomplished in a short space of time, I couldn’t help but notice this deep aching feeling welling up inside of me, that something was not quite right. There was something still missing.

 

Even though I felt like I was on a meaningful and purposeful path of action and I was the healthiest I’d felt in my whole life, there was something still nagging at my subconscious and gnawing at my soul that something was ‘not right’ . And I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.

What was it? Why did my life still feel somewhat ‘not whole’, after everything I had achieved and worked so hard to restore, heal and create. Why was I still not happy?

I had my health back, I had a meaningful job, I was living on purpose, I had a loving husband, two beautiful children, a house, a dog, chickens, beautiful friends, my vitality was restored, and I was finally living my dream. What the heck was wrong with me!?! Was I just destined to never be fully happy or satisfied? What was this gnawing feeling, this sacred longing within me that started tap, tap, tapping on my shoulder every time I would stop, reflect, sit down to meditate or connect with nature? What was the Universe trying to tell me?

I decided to ignore it. I wanted it to go away so that I could get on with pursuing my wellness quest and living out my destined life purpose. I pushed it aside, pushed it down, hoping it would disappear. But, as time rolled on the questions continued to stream in. I started questioning everything about me and my life,

How could I be so ungrateful for all the beautiful blessings in my life?

 Is complete wellbeing just a pipe dream that we’ve made up so we can sell some fantasy idea to the world?

Was I ever going to be truly happy?

And my favourite that loves to pop up in times of crisis, ‘What the hell is wrong with me?’

 

A terrible feeling of ‘I am not enough’ and ‘there is something seriously wrong with me’ came rearing its ugly head and pounding on my tender heart. So I did what I always did when life gets funky, I pushed myself even harder.

 

I pushed myself harder as I embarked on a more hardcore bootcamp-like healing pursuit, behaving like an obsessed animal hunting down my quest for true wholeness. I started tightening the reins on my self-discipline routines and rituals, forcing myself into an even stricter health schedule. I took out anything from my diet that I thought might be contributing to this darkness and agitation. I started meditating for longer, forcing myself to more yoga classes, punishing myself for not sticking to my whole-life fitness regime if life got busy, or I got tired, or the kids schedules started to conflict with my health routines. I decided that I had to learn more, dig deeper, and further my training, just in case what I already knew about health and healing was not enough.

I furthered my studies, signed up to an intensive meditation therapy course, underwent a comprehensive mindfulness program, perfected my mind-body connection, learnt more about the ancient healing practises and wisdom traditions, studied the power of nutrition, and started an intensive yoga teacher training course so I could officially call myself an integrative wellness practitioner and stop feeling like I was ‘not enough’.

 I started to run workshops on mindfulness, yoga therapy, and meditation, refined my whole-life mapping plans and wellness models, developed a more integrative coaching/mentoring service for my clients, obsessed about the evidence and the science, and placed a huge amount of pressure on myself to shake this perpetual feeling that something was missing.

I worked even harder to prove my new discoveries to the sceptics and non-believers, all the while buckling at the challenge of finding my steady footing in a medical dominated world that focused on treating the symptom, rather than the root cause.

I continued to build my online resource centre, expressing my enthusiasm for this new way of life to everyone and anyone who would listen. It had become my new obsession and people wanted to know ‘the secret’. How did I achieve my glowing skin, my new found energy and vitality, my spark and my joy for life? How was I able to keep it altogether whilst building my private wellbeing practice, working at the hospital, studying, running workshops, maintaining my health, and keeping up with the demands of family life?

I loved that I was able to do so much and achieve what I was able to achieve, but I felt like a big fat fraud. Something was still not right, and I was losing my footing. As the months rolled on and then a year passed by, I started to experience longer bouts of exhaustion and old symptoms started to creep back into my body and mind. I was losing my drive and my enthusiasm for my cause started to wane.

 

From the outside, life looked pretty exciting; I was living my dream and forging ahead with my vision. But, on the inside I was slowly withering away with shame and embarrassment that my health and body was failing me again. My magical mind-body formula seemed to be losing its potency, and I was starting to doubt everything.

 

The more tightly I clung to my newfound knowledge and my science-backed health methods, and the more I tried to use them as a means to take away my increasing unpleasant symptoms and emotions, the more they were losing their potency. The more I tried to use my wellness methods as a means to push out this feeling of unrest and this niggling void gnawing away inside, the more they lost their effectiveness. I couldn’t understand what was going on. My failsafe formula didn’t seem to be working anymore. It had lost its magic.

I started to question everything I was doing. I started to question my newfound healing methods. I started to question my new direction and my wellness programs and models that I had created. I seemed bright and happy enough on the outside, but I had this distinct and unsettling feeling of emptiness and exhaustion on the inside. I was starting to fill with dread.

 

If this stuff wasn’t working for me anymore, how can I teach it to others? The science says it works, so why has it suddenly stopped working for me?

 

I was back to that god awful, soul wrenching, heart piercing question that penetrates the deepest darkest vulnerable shadows of my existence, ‘what the heck is wrong with me? ‘.

And it was this question that became the doorway, the dark threshold to a new light-filled understanding and realisation about life. It was leaning into the pain of this question, leaning into the shame and loneliness of this feeling that exposed a crack, a big gaping hole that let the light shine in, beaming an illuminating torch into the shadows and unveiling a whole new truth about health, healing and wholeness.

Asking this question, and leaning into it with a compassionate open-hearted curiosity led me down a path of profound soul awakening, opening me to a whole new way of being, a whole new way of living, and a whole new way of loving. It opened my heart and untethered my soul onto a path of deep surrender, where I got to unfurl into the divine flow of life’s loving embrace; the one true path to complete healing, wholeness and happiness.

I can’t wait to share the realisations that awakened my heart and unlocked my inner wisdom, allowing me to see what it truly means to experience true health and wellbeing on a whole new level. It was this realisation that was my missing link. Finally, I had an answer.

 I can’t wait to share the secrets of this new way with you.

Tune in next time when I release Part 3 of my deep journey of surrender into life’s perfection. This is where it gets really juicy, where I teach you how to truly let go and surrender and where I guide you on a 5 step pathway of how to embrace all of life, how to allow LIFE to take the lead, and how to let go of the striving, clinging and grasping that causes us to lose the magical essence of Life’s Perfection.

I will also share with you some of the magic, the mystic and the pure love that downloads into my life as I follow this path, and the unexpected opportunities and miracles that show up, when I learn to let go, and enter into the sublime flow of Divine Perfection.

 All will be revealed in Part 3. I think it may surprise you how truly beautiful and simple it really is. Life unfolds in the most magical ways when we learn to let go and surrender onto the path of LOVE.

 

With so much love

JESS SEPARATE IMG_4559

 

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